Indian Matchmaking
Indian Matchmaking: reel-life Vs. real-life
What is an arranged marriage? Can arranged-marriages work in the 21st century? Are matchmaking services worth the money?
Amidst the rising and falling tides of corona-virus patients, stock market highs and lows, India Vs. China conflicts, USA Vs. China conflicts, European holiday season, Netflix on the 16th of July aired the show Indian Matchmaking.
If I were to write candidly, I would be compelled to use multiple adjectives, adverbs, and general descriptive phrases to express my deepest feelings towards the show. A horrid reality, educated illiterateness, retardedness in the 21st century, misogynistic attitude maybe some of the phrases I might have used. But I didn't. 👼
For the blissfully unaware of the concept of arranged marriages, let me shed some light on the topic. By definition, it is, ‘a marriage planned and agreed by the families or guardians of the couple concerned.’ 🔔 💍
In theory, the parents search for an appropriate partner for you through matchmaking portals, agents (like dear Mrs. Famous Sima Taparia), friends, acquaintances, etc. The people chiefly concerned, i.e. bride- and groom-to-be are allowed to meet a couple of times, chat, mingle for a duration, not more than a month (from my observations of the average Indian society). Then comes the final question, I DO! or I DO NOT! ?? 👫? 💔?
Disclaimer: Take it with a pinch of salt, a bit of humor, and half a glass of self-contemplation.
The bright side! 🌞
Before massacring my own cultural values, the system through which my parents were married, most of my (all of them) uncles, aunts and relatives were married, if you are an Indian reading this, probably your parents were married, let us look at the bright side. Shall we? 😏
- One doesn't have to develop social skills to impress a partner. (If you have seen Indian men or women talking, you would know, that they don't bother)
- One can focus on their carrier and rest assured on the family network for setting up the family!!! (Best of both worlds?)
- One can define your criteria beforehand and guide your search accordingly! (cooking? cleaning? family-oriented? If you have watched the show, you know what I mean 😉)
- Guaranteed wedding bells in a year!!! (maybe not for Mrs. Taparia 😆)
- A lesser rate of divorces in arranged marriages.
The divorce rate of arranged marriages is less than 4 percent versus 40 percent of marriages in the U.S. where partners chose who to marry on their own free will. (link)
Indian Matchmaking in the 21st century: the real-life
How do you define this form of discrimination? Racism? Casteism?
Middle-class Indians, which are the major part of Indian society, are inclined towards looking for potential partners within their own community (read caste). The caste system in India has been running through centuries and it is still prevalent. A caste can be basically described as further divisions of a group of people following the same religion. My guess is that this division was based on occupation. It was done to make society more organized. Marrying within the same caste made sense to keep specialized skill-sets developed through generations. It also helped preserve certain cultural values and practices.
Fast forward to the 21st century, there are counter-arguments to all above,
- Nobody chooses an occupation depending on birth in a certain family or caste. The liberal values of the world allow a person to be free and independent in all choices.
- The society is organized through different kinds of shared beliefs, means of communication has enabled co-ordination within large groups of people across oceans seas and continents.
- Mass media and social networking, has mostly dissolved stark differences within the cultural values of different groups. If you don't believe me, just look at what you are wearing right now, is this your cultural attire?
Does this casteism not exist now? Unfortunately, it does and it is thriving.
The wise one would argue, that with so much information, technology, rising literacy rates, Indians would have come to the senses and dissolved the practice and prejudices of a caste-discriminatory society? On the contrary, technology is being used to further propagate these ideas! These discriminatory practices can now thrive within closed Whatsapp groups, hushed information sharing, and private (only for caste members) zoom calls. Their argument for continuing the practice: preserving the culture!
Recently (this morning 😛) I witnessed a similar event, which was aired on Youtube, through a Zoom call. The agenda was to make eligible bachelors and bachelorettes within a caste to come forward, introduce themselves to other eligible bachelors and bachelorettes (mostly their parents). Everyone came if bright colored clothes of the latest fashion, and praised the organizers for arranging this. Later a booklet (PDF doc) was shared within a closed Whatsapp group with information about everyone involved. The information includes age, height, education, occupation, family -name, etc. What else do you need to choose a life-partner? 😏
This is real-life Indian Matchmaking!!!!
If you don't yet, let me show you the obvious. As rightly pointed out by Dr. Harari in Homo Deus (link), technology itself has no direction. It is the job of religion to show the path. Although most technology is created for the progress of human society, to dissolve the borders and division, it is sometimes used counter-productively. As in this case, Zoom calls and Whatsapps used within closed, private groups.
Cannot share the link for privacy reasons of my own caste-fellows! 😅
The not-so-bright side! 🌘
Its a game of chance! Do you gamble with your life? Are you even holding the cards?
The problem of choosing a certain thing or person (house, car, object, hiring employee, or even a life-partner) and expecting the best possible outcome has been described mathematically. Think of it, not in the context of what to look and where to look, but more importantly, when to stop looking?
This is called the Secretary problem. What should be an optimal stopping criterion? Mathematically speaking, the more you look for things, the less your chances of finding an ideal match. 📉
But life is not so mathematical is it? There are numerous human factors involved.
Do your parents have enough acquaintances for you to choose from a wider pool of candidates?
If you decide that you will only look at the first 20 candidates that come your way, how do you know if the first 20 are the best 20?
Even if everything seems amiable and agreeable to both parties involved, do their personalities match? (can you decide it in 4 dinners? Maybe if you agree with women in Pride and Prejudice, you can. )
If you are choosing based on pictures and 1–2 meetings, most importantly as for any human, one cannot forbid from giving undue attention to looks and features. While choosing a beautiful candidate, does it come with the guarantee that the person will hold the same features over a long-long period of time?
Finally, is your criteria list secretly your mother's criteria list? 😆
I am sure, most of the above not-so-bright things mentioned are also true for love-marriages. But if by device, society has a system to open its arms wide to an enormously large pool of marriage-material people, why do we choose caste?
Why do we decidedly propagate discriminatorily practices?
Why do middle-class Indians frown upon inter-caste marriages? If you are a city-dweller, you might say, nowadays inter-caste marriage is quite common. Well, not so much in the towns and villages. 😦
Thank you for reading my two-cents. If you liked this, you might also like reading the following…
